Condom Quest

Well- according to Man Law, WOMEN are supposed to bring protection. Generally speaking, i think Man Law is full of crap, but this is one rule i abide by. Why? Men are forgetful, careless, and generally incompetent. Unless i know and trust the guy i'm with, i bring protection. This way, I know it hasn't been tampered with, and most of all, it exists. I'm sick of men saying, "I forgot--- but i'll pull out."

NO WAY, Buddy. STEP AWAYYYY from my va-jay-jay.

So, today, in lieu of an exciting new prospect (who is probably trustworthy, but why risk it?) I began on my journey to the condom aisle of Kroger's super market. Easier said then done, however, because the aisle was proving to be quite ellusive.

I began my search in what I decided the most natural place would be--- the pharmacy. No luck. I poured down the aisles, scratching my head, when I ran into my mom, who was also shopping.

"What are you looking for? Maybe I can help!" She gave me a quizzical look. Time for some quick thinkin'.

"Tampons."

"They're over there!"

"I'm looking for flavored ones?" I could hear the hesitation and rise in my voice and shook my head. My mom stared, head cocked.

"I don't know if they sell those here." She said. I assured her i would keep looking.

I began to get creative. Maybe i could by condoms in the "Wraps and Foil" aisle. After all, isn't it "Wrap it before you tap it"? or how about "Cover with foil before checking her oil?"

Unfortunately there was not a condom in sight, although i was enlightened on ten new kinds of saran-wrap.

I decided to check the "Baby Care" aisle. I mean, isn't it natural that they should also provide preventional measures AGAINST babies?

Apparently not.

Finally, i wound up back in the pharmacy section. I straightened up and walked boldly to the woman besides the register.

"Excuse me, can you tell me where i should go to find condoms?"

"They're locked up over there, here's the key."

LOCKED UP?!?! oh, okay. I bent over awkwardly to reach the lock guarding the condoms. I wondered how many people were discouraged and had unprotected sex to save themselves the hassle. Maybe they bought spermicidal lube and hoped for the best: that was sitting prominently on the unguarded shelf.

I grabbed a pack of 12. I mean, you can never be too careful.

Eight dollars and some change later, I left completely drained and wondering if i even had the stamina for sex after charging around the grocery store.

Maybe that's why they hid them and locked them up to begin with.